How To Lose (Facebook) Friends

My friend count on Facebook is at a record low since the Bush administration and I couldn't be happier. In the past 2 months, I've weeded through my friend list several times and gone a bit crazy with deleting people.

It's nothing personal, but I don't think the details of my daily life or my incredibly profound and pithy one-liners ought to be accessible to people who don't make even a little bit of effort on their part.

So how did I eliminate about one-third of the "friends" from my list?

I had 2 criteria for determining whether or not a person ought to remain on my friend list, one is focused on those who live nearby and the other on those who are out-of-state or abroad.

For Those Nearby: Would I talk to this person if I saw them in public? This question alone will probably eliminate up to a third of the people who live in your city or surrounding metropolitan area. It occurred to me that I was friends with several people in Seoul whom I would see at Starbucks, the bookstore or the subway station and purposely avoid talking to them. OR worse yet, I'd see someone from my list and say "hi" only to discover that they has forgotten how to pronounce my name. That's when you know you're in "non-friend" territory.

For Those Far Away: Would you ask this person to meet you for coffee or a beer if you were to have a long layover in their city or would you say yes to the same request were the roles reversed? This question is good for eliminating those high school and college friends and travel buddies you've held onto for sentimental reasons. People claim they keep these people around for potential networking later in the future. But seriously, if you wouldn't have coffee with this person, do you think they're really going to hook you up with their lucrative job connections or invite you into the networking circle they've worked years to establish or introduce you to the best drug dealer they know? Probably not.

The rest comes down to personal history and effort. There are certain people with whom your personal history dictates them a permanent Facebook friend, i.e. your Jewish fourth cousin, because he's family and it's good to have a Jew or two on hand at all times or your first boyfriend/girlfriend with the questionable political views. And there are those that put in the effort -- a comment or a wall post every now and then is a good way to maintain the appearance of caring and may prevent you from being deleted.

Don't worry too much about being caught. If they didn't put effort into your online friendship, they are unlikely to narrow it down to you. If they do figure out it's you, they'll probably be too embarassed to ask you about it. And if they do have the audacity to ask (which happened to me once), just break down the afforementioned reasons for them and watch their self-esteems shrivel like testicles in a vat of ice-water.

So start unfriending today -- your real friends and your unfriends will love you all the more for it!